Holy Batshit! It's Franchise Man!!
BATMAN BEGINS is, contrary to what way too many suck-ass 'critics' have put in print, a steaming pile of shite.But that's a glib thing to say. What possible justification can I have for being so angry at spending £5 and losing 141 minutes of my life?
There's so much to be angry about, it's hard to know where to start. Hans Zimmer must be a stressed man, because given all responsibility for generating any tension or suspense or drama in the movie, he failed spectacularly. It must come as some relief to him in his darkest moments that he was not alone in failing.
Having composed soundtracks for films like The Rock, Broken Arrow, Scream 2 and Pearl Harbour, he was obviously the natural choice to accompany yet another turgid waste of everyone's time, effort and money.
The only person who failed harder than him was the director, whose only notable efforts so far (Memento and Insomnia) were unlikely to generate any kind of enthusiasm for his ability to do justice here. So do we expect Chris Nolan to go the way football managers go when their team are shit or do we lay the blame firmly at the feet of the producers, whose concern was solely to reap a fortune from numb crowds for whom disappointment is as much a part of the cinema experience as cramming nacho's down their gullet? I would want him to fall on his sword, but if he's as gutless as his movie, it would be a complete waste of time.
What blame can be laid on Nolan is that the film's pace is all over the place, it looks ugly and it's badly edited. He really is Roland Emmerich's mini-me, and I'm not sure I can damn him more than that.
What else can I kick it for? The script is insulting, the cliche's are rampant and he's lifted scenes directly from - of all things - Highlander, at least two of the Die Hard movies and, of course, Spiderman. The end result is tedious, tiresome and hackneyed.
It becomes downright embarrassing to see the likes of Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Rutger Hauer, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman try their damndest to make the most of the drivel they've been paid handsomely to spew forth, but I'm sure they sleep better at night knowing their kids dental bills are paid till beyond the end of time.
Caine's accent goes through every borough of London at least twice without ever settling anywhere, and the Neeson/Bale training dialogue is really only missing the line 'There can be only one..."
And poor Christian Bale. A thoroughly believable Batman, unlike the potato-faced uber-smug shenanigans of those who have gone before. Unlike them, Bale at least looks like he lives in his skin and is capable of independent thought. He tries, god love him, but what could even the greatest actor do with this mince?
I went prepared for a vapid, huge, entertaining blockbuster movie and was still disappointed. I didn't think any film this year or any other was capable of making me wish I'd gone to see Revenge of the Sith instead, but this one managed.
Batman doesn't begin. Trust me, it's so much worse than that - it just never fucking ends.
I don't know whether to hate the machine that churns this shit out or the audiences who not only lick it up, but do so with such enthusiasm it justifies the creation of even more.Mainstream commercial cinema doesn't actually have to be this awful, but because people pant at the doors on opening weekend, it doesn't have to try any harder.
This movie was an appalling fucking waste of time and I'm sure all the people who thought they liked it will find kind words to say of War of the Worlds too. We no longer need scary Victorian institutions mutilating the mentally unsound in the name of science - audiences seem to be more than willing to pay for the privilege of lobotimising themselves, one fucking awful movie at a time.
There's so much to be angry about, it's hard to know where to start. Hans Zimmer must be a stressed man, because given all responsibility for generating any tension or suspense or drama in the movie, he failed spectacularly. It must come as some relief to him in his darkest moments that he was not alone in failing.
Having composed soundtracks for films like The Rock, Broken Arrow, Scream 2 and Pearl Harbour, he was obviously the natural choice to accompany yet another turgid waste of everyone's time, effort and money.
The only person who failed harder than him was the director, whose only notable efforts so far (Memento and Insomnia) were unlikely to generate any kind of enthusiasm for his ability to do justice here. So do we expect Chris Nolan to go the way football managers go when their team are shit or do we lay the blame firmly at the feet of the producers, whose concern was solely to reap a fortune from numb crowds for whom disappointment is as much a part of the cinema experience as cramming nacho's down their gullet? I would want him to fall on his sword, but if he's as gutless as his movie, it would be a complete waste of time.
What blame can be laid on Nolan is that the film's pace is all over the place, it looks ugly and it's badly edited. He really is Roland Emmerich's mini-me, and I'm not sure I can damn him more than that.
What else can I kick it for? The script is insulting, the cliche's are rampant and he's lifted scenes directly from - of all things - Highlander, at least two of the Die Hard movies and, of course, Spiderman. The end result is tedious, tiresome and hackneyed.
It becomes downright embarrassing to see the likes of Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Rutger Hauer, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman try their damndest to make the most of the drivel they've been paid handsomely to spew forth, but I'm sure they sleep better at night knowing their kids dental bills are paid till beyond the end of time.
Caine's accent goes through every borough of London at least twice without ever settling anywhere, and the Neeson/Bale training dialogue is really only missing the line 'There can be only one..."
And poor Christian Bale. A thoroughly believable Batman, unlike the potato-faced uber-smug shenanigans of those who have gone before. Unlike them, Bale at least looks like he lives in his skin and is capable of independent thought. He tries, god love him, but what could even the greatest actor do with this mince?
I went prepared for a vapid, huge, entertaining blockbuster movie and was still disappointed. I didn't think any film this year or any other was capable of making me wish I'd gone to see Revenge of the Sith instead, but this one managed.
Batman doesn't begin. Trust me, it's so much worse than that - it just never fucking ends.
I don't know whether to hate the machine that churns this shit out or the audiences who not only lick it up, but do so with such enthusiasm it justifies the creation of even more.Mainstream commercial cinema doesn't actually have to be this awful, but because people pant at the doors on opening weekend, it doesn't have to try any harder.
This movie was an appalling fucking waste of time and I'm sure all the people who thought they liked it will find kind words to say of War of the Worlds too. We no longer need scary Victorian institutions mutilating the mentally unsound in the name of science - audiences seem to be more than willing to pay for the privilege of lobotimising themselves, one fucking awful movie at a time.
posted by Adele at 4:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home